13 Things women think guys want in bed (but they don't)
1. The move: Making a ton of noise when you orgasm.
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What guys think: Sex noises (and dirty talk) are always great, but focus on your orgasm, not on yelling. Some women get sort of quiet right before their big moment. Some like to yell. Do whatever you need to do, not what you think we want you to do.
2. The move: Talking in an itsy bitsy baby voice the whole time.
What guys think: I never, ever want to hear the baby voice during sex. Full disclosure, I never want to hear it, but it's even worse during sex. Think about what's happening: you're pretending to be a baby when someone is having sex with you. Is this a thing? Does anyone really do this?
3. The move: Deep throating.
What guys think: Deep throating is nice, but you'd be surprised what you can do with your hands and just the tip in your mouth (hint: it's lots of semen. You can get the penis to produce semen using just your hands and the tip).
4. The move: For us to have like eight hands and be able to turn into a human sex carnival.
What guys think: As much as guys would love to bang a human sex carnival (it's all we talk about when we get together for beers and sports), don't do anything you're not physically comfortable doing. Both parties need to focus on supporting the actual act of sexual intercourse first. If you can't balance on one hand and reach behind you to tickle our balls during doggystyle that's totally fine. We'd rather have great sex than have both of us faceplant when you try and pull off an advanced maneuver.
5. The move: Saying his name over and over again.
What guys think: A couple times is enough, and it's not even necessary (but it is super hot). Just don't say it over and over or we'll think we fucked ourselves into a time loop.
6. The move: Keeping your eyes closed the whole time even though you kind of want to see what's going on.
What guys think: I get that some people might get put off by unbroken, direct eye-contact, but keeping your eyes closed through all of it is weirder. That means either A) you don't want to look at us or B) you're thinking about something (someone?) else entirely.
7. The move: Putting on complex lingerie every time sex happens.
What guys think: I don't think guys are surprised when they find out you've got your granny panties on because you forgot to do laundry. You definitely don't always need to be wearing sexy underwear. Or any underwear. It's just another layer for us to fumble with while we're trying to get you naked.
8. The move: Pulling his hair to show how into it you are.
What guys think: We tend to have really short hair and this can be kind of terrible. I certainly don't want to speak for every guy out there (some dudes like it) but there are tons of ways to show us you're into it. I mean, realistically, if we're doing a good job, you won't even have to think about showing us you're having a good time. It'll come (ha!) naturally.
9. The move: Just laying there while he takes control of the situation.
What guys think: Do what feels right. Taking control can be super hot, but don't do it if it's not working for you. That's like having no idea how to fly, but jumping behind the controls of a 747 and trying to fly straight for Orgasmtown.
10. The move: Acting like you've never done any of this before.
What guys think: This can be really exciting, but it can also put a lot of pressure on us. Just be honest. And in the heat of the moment, having a few well-practiced tricks up your sleeve is just hot.
11. The move: Needing your hair and make-up to look perfect afterwards.
What guys think: Sex hair is hot. I really hope no one is worried about messing up their hair during sex. That sounds so... boring.
12. The move: Not caring if you didn't orgasm.
What guys think: Any guy who's even halfway decent in bed will make sure you get yours. If he knows what he's doing, he should want to make sure you orgasm first. If he doesn't, then he's just a shitty lay (note that doesn't and can't are two different things: it's not easy for everyone to orgasm, but he should be putting forth the effort).
13. The move: Never speaking up if you don't like something.
What guys think: Not every guy wants to be bossed around, but definitely don't keep quiet if something isn't working. He's not going to complain if you're helping him get you to orgasm.