Advice to my younger self

While unpacking and organising a box of files and papers (a task I’d been putting off for months), I came across an old photograph of my 21-year-old self.  In it, I am smiling, my head tilted to the side, a look of surprise suspended in my eyes.  I must have been reacting to something the photographer did or said.

There is also a deep sadness in my eyes.  You probably would not be able to see it, but I know it’s there.  I lived with it for years, a sadness that I just couldn’t escape.  During those years, I suffered from a near-debilitating depression.  At one point, it got so bad that I used to wake up in the mornings, open my eyes and the first thing I’d think was: Oh God, I’m still here.

I was telling a friend about the picture, and that bleak time in my life.  He asked, “If you could go back in time, what are 10 things you would tell her, things you wished you’d known then?”

I thought I’d share my list.

10. Stay in Gratitude

I used to spend so much time worrying, obsessing over what I didn’t have or what I believed I’d been denied that I completely overlooked all that I did have, all that I’d been given.  It’s difficult to get the more you’re asking for when you don’t appreciate the things you’ve already got.  Gratitude won’t miraculously disappear your problems or but it will offer a different perspective, and that kind of mental and attitudinal shift will liberate you in more ways than you can imagine.

9.Laugh Like There’s No Tomorrow

Look around as you go through your day and notice how many people walk around with their faces clenched or wearing what appears to be a permanent pout.  Whenever I have an encounter—at a shop or a restaurant—with someone like that, I will sometimes say, quite kindly and wearing a big smile myself, “What can I do to get you to smile?”  They will usually break out into laughter in response, and you’ll see their whole face will light up.  Even their posture and their walk will change—because their spirit is lighter.

Laughter has been proven to be a healer.  Our brain chemistry changes when we laugh.  The killer hormones, cortisol and epinephrine, that are released by stress are reduced by laughter.  Laughter also boosts the immune system by prompting the increased production of antibodies.  So don’t sweat the small stuff.  Laugh it all off.

8.  Treat Your Body Like a Temple

Many of us are more conscious and careful about what we put in and on our vehicles than of what we put in and on our own bodies.  That’s because we love our cars.  Well, now we need to start loving ourselves enough to take care of our bodies with that same level of tenderness.  That means not smoking; not eating food that is essentially poison—sugar-laden drinks and sweets, fatty items that will clog arteries; not drinking excessive amounts of alcohol on a regular basis.  It also means exercising.  Our bodies were designed to move.  These days, I think of my body as a sacred space.  It houses my spirit, the divinity within me, and I have come to honour that.

7.  Learn to Forgive

Let go of the anger.  It hurts you more than it does anybody else.  There is a quote I love that has been attributed to both Buddha and Nelson Mandela (go figure!):  “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”  Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying in relationship with someone; it means letting go and moving on. As while you’re forgiving everyone else, learn to forgive yourself as well.

6.  Try to Listen More Than You Talk

There is so much wisdom out there, but we miss a good deal of it because we’re too stuck in our own chatter.  Either that or we automatically dismiss what people have to say because they are younger, or older, less educated, less polished or, in our estimation, not correct in some way.  My grandmother, Comfort Carboo, used to say, “Even a broken clock is correct twice a day.”  It was only as I got older that I realised the truth in that statement.

5.  Use Your God-Given Gifts

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but sometimes in life’s confusion, it’s difficult to recognize the obvious.  When I was younger, all I wanted to do in my life was write.  But everyone kept telling me that it was so difficult, that I’d never earn a living.  They kept pointing to statistics, examples of failure.  In the end, I followed my heart—but not until I’d spent many miserable years studying business management (ugh!) and trying to push square pegs into round holes.

4. Dress Well

Your outer appearance directly affects your mood.  It also affects the way people see you and, as a result, treat you.  What you wear doesn’t have to be expensive, but it should be clean and ironed and make you feel good enough about yourself to stand tall and walk with pride when you greet the world.

3.  You Can’t Cross the Same River Twice

Live in the now.  Nothing in this life ever happens twice.  The Native Americans have a saying:  “You can’t cross the same river twice.”  The water is not the same.  The fish are not the same.  It’s a different time of day, a different you making the journey.  So stop putting things off.

2.  Be Kind to Others

The philosopher Plato once said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”  There is no need to add to anybody else’s burden.  Say “please;” say “thank you;” say “sorry.”  Offer a compliment instead of a slight or insult.

1.  Be Kind to Yourself

We are often harshest with ourselves.  Especially women, who have been conditioned to take care of everyone else, sometimes to the detriment of ourselves.  Be kind to yourself.  Stop being so pessimistic and fatalistic.  Allow yourself to do the things you love.  Allow yourself to think positively, to love fully, and to live in the moment.  Don’t spend all your time worrying about things you have no control over.  Go out and enjoy your life!

By Meri Nana-Amma Danquah/Daily Graphic/Ghana

Author email:  [email protected]