Joab - My Baddest Biblical Character
I have been accused of ‘over-humanising’ biblical characters and stories. Guilty as charged, proudly and stubbornly too. These were not some saintly spirits. They were human, just like me.
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And there are a number of OT characters who have absolutely fascinated me since I sat in Rev Churcher’s A’Level OT class between 1984 and 1986. My Top 5? (1) Jacob the manipulating ‘genetic engineer’ of sheep. (2) Joseph, not the snitching, pampered dreamer in a kente suit, but the master planner in Africa with an African wife and African kids. (3) Moses the leader with African training, an African wife, African kids, and a stammer and anger issues for good measure. (4) Joshua the reluctant leader with no succession plan. (5) David the dark-skinned musician-leader with relatable human flaws. I identify with these, strongly.
My Chasing Pack? (6) David’s musicians (Chenaniah, Asaph, Herman and Jeduthon) and then, (7) David’s fighting men. His fighting men… I know, I know, because I can pick a fight in an empty room!
That is why, to me, the baddest badass in the Bible is a fighting man … Joab.
Joab was one of David’s 3 nephews by his sister Zeruiah. All fierce warriors. Appointed army commander on merit, after he led the commando unit that captured Jerusalem from the Jebusites. Skilled fighter. Master tactician. Never lost a battle. He defeated Aram, Moab, Edom, Ammon… name them and Joab shellacked them. Headstrong and defiant. Loved his uncle but didn’t fear him. Could stand up to him.
After Abner killed Joab’s brother Asahel in battle, Joab wanted revenge. David forbade him and formed an alliance with Abner. Joab defied David and killed Abner in cold blood. When David tried to replace Joab with his cousin Amasa, Joab killed Amasa too, while greeting him with a kiss!!
When David wanted Uriah killed so he marries Bathseba, he could only entrust the instruction to Joab. Joab didn’t question the instruction. He got rid of Uriah cleanly without touching him. As far as everyone was concerned, Uriah died in battle. Reality? Murder. Nice and tidy. No blood on fingers. David got his woman, and all the wahala that came with it.
But when David wanted to conduct a census, Joab warned him he was wrong. Yet, Joab did it for his uncle. Result? 70,000 people perished.
When David’s son Absalom revenged his sister Tamar by killing Amnon, he fled from fear of what David would do to him. Joab brought him back to be reconciled with David, only for Absalom to stage a coup that had David in exile briefly. Absalom had the temerity, audacity and impudence (with the counsel of Ahitophel, possibly Bathsheba’s uncle) to line his father’s concubines up and then sleep with them one-by-one ‘in public.’ And the people too stayed and watched?
Joab had had enough. He led the counter-coup. David, the softie, had begged him not to kill Absalom. Wrobbish. Joab killed him by first, shooting 3 spears into his heart while he was trapped in a tree, and then leaving his personal guard to finish him off. When David mourned Absalom, Joab rebuked him, reminding him of the loyalty of his troops and then forced David to come out and address the troops to thank them for their loyalty.
When David was on his deathbed, Joab planned to make Adonijah king instead of David’s choice, Solomon. David appreciated what Joab had done for him but he knew Joab would never respect Solomon the son of Bathsheba, and could easily get rid of him.
So at the end of David's life, he charged Solomon with ‘finishing’ Joab. He said ‘let not his grey hair touch his grave in peace.’ In the end, Joab was murdered by Benaniah while cowering, whimpering, whinging and whining, ‘I won’t come out, I will die here,’ in the tent of the Lord! Quite a damp squib of a death.
But hard guys don’t come any better than Joab, anywhere! Tragically uneventful end, and there’s hardly a great sermon or poem about him. But in my books ‘HE DA MAN’ who proves Horace’s saying that ‘Many brave men lived before Agamemnon; but they are all, unmourned and unknown, covered by the long night, because they lack their sacred poet.’
© They call me ‘Ace’
