Put the focus on yourself, not your lover

BY: Dr John Boakye
Do your best to get the best out of your relationship.
Do your best to get the best out of your relationship.

We think differently. Therefore, when we get into relationship, conflicts are inevitable. We fight for what we want, when and how we want it. If our needs are not met, we tend to blame others, especially our lovers who are closest to us.

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If anything goes wrong in a relationship, one tends to blame it on the lover because of the thinking that one is always right and the lover is always wrong.

Many partners complain they have never had a day of happiness in their relationship or marriage. This is because they see their lovers as their problem or solution and think they will be happy if only their lovers do what they want. Many lovers think their lovers owe them happiness when in fact no one can make another happy.

Fact is that you can have a fulfilling relationship if only you put the focus on yourself so that you can be the change you want in your relationship.


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Focus on yourself

Take responsibility for your part in your relationship. Accept that any problem in your relationship is shared because you are part of your relationship.Your problems are not caused by your lover but how you respond to issues in the relationship.

Therefore, if anything goes wrong, find out what you can do differently and better because you cannot do the same thing and expect better results. Many issues will stop with you if you decide to deal effectively with them.

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Cut down complains. If there is anything you are not happy about, choose the right place and time to talk about it.

In Ghanaian tradition, early mornings are believed to be the best times for resolving issues because at that time the brain is fresh and alert.

It is also best to discuss your issues in the hall and not the bedroom which must be reserved for only sleep and sex.

Brainstorm and make mutual decisions. Set good examples and be encouraging.

Love unconditionally. The Akans say odo ye wu or to love is to die. Love does not seek her own. Instead, it is about the sacrifices you make to make your lover better. Do this irrespective of how your lover treats you.

You are one flesh with your lover. If he or she becomes better through your sacrifices, you also become better.

Forgive your lover unconditionally. It is impossible to have a relationship without conflicts because conflicts are part of life and therefore part of all relationships.

The fact that you have problems therefore does not mean there is something wrong with your relationship.

See your challenges as a reminder that you have to stand up and work on your relationship.

Work on your relationship

Appreciate also that love and hatred cannot live in the same heart. Unforgiving spirit will prevent you from seeing the beauty of your relationship and take away your motivation to work on your relationship.

Again, appreciate that studies show most of our diseases today including high blood pressure, stroke, diabetes and even cancer may be caused by unforgiving spirit.

Focus on yourself

Human beings are dual in nature; we have good and bad seeds in us and each time, each day they struggle to overcome each other. It’s the environment you create for your lover that makes him or her act in good or bad ways.

Your lover merely responds to what you do. If you are always blaming your lover, chances are you are part of the problems. Therefore, the best gift you can give to your relationship is your commitment to do all it takes to make it work.

Put the focus on yourself, not on your lover and take full responsibility for any challenge you face. In almost all the time, it takes one committed partner to make a relationship fulfilling. Let it be you.

All relationships are difficult and prone to failure. In your frustration, failures and disappointments, it becomes easier to shift the blame on your lover and make him or her the prime target of blame.

Appreciate, however, that if you are always blaming your lover for everything that happens in your relationship, chances are that you are the common denominator; you take away yourself from the problem and solution and nothing gets better.

Stop the yells, complains, criticism and name calling. You must also not wait for your partner to do something before you act. Instead, put the focus on yourself and be the burden bearer and not the burden.

If you want to be happy in your relationship, first ‘happy yourself’ because your partner does not owe you and can never give you happiness.

Each day, put the focus on yourself and see what you can do differently and better. If you show appreciation, respect, support, unconditional love and forgiving spirit, you move your relationship forward irrespective of what your lover does.

The message is simple; if you want a change in your relationship, put the focus on yourself not on your lover and do all it takes to make your relationship work.

What you do, especially in times of difficulties is the strongest indicator of the health of your relationship. Therefore, put focus on yourself and do your best to get the best out of your relationship.

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