Home: Military camp?
Parenting is a learned art. Most people unconsciously raise their children the way they were brought up because that is merely what they know. Others deviate from the ancient paths after a deep reflection on the impact their parents had on them.
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A modification of parenting that suits the time, peculiarities and challenges of every generation is important. However, the fact remains that parents must find the balance in executing their emotional and functional roles to nurture sensitive, mature and responsible adults.
One of the goals of the functional roles is to also socialise children to the values and expectations of culture, faith, etc.
Whilst some parents end up viewing their children as their friends and, therefore, shirk their functional roles, others exasperate the whole house with their firm clench on their functional role, making the home more of a military camp.
Toxic
In our part of the world, many children are raised in this kind of environment, which can be toxic without the intervening love, attention, understanding, respect for autonomy and warmth.
In this home, parents focus more on discipline, obedience and control, while remaining cold and harsh. The emotional role of parents, which tends to actually nurture the child, is neglected and found to be repulsive.
Such fathers often feel proud to be visibly towering over everyone in the home, (including mother) and take even more pride in the funny nicknames they are given by the children.
There’s a lot of nagging, yelling and casting of aspersions on children in this environment. Children are hardly offered encouragement, praise or even fun.
Mistakes are surely punished, and this is done before even listening to the child. There are high demands and expectations for children and little room for monitoring or mentoring. Rules are to be followed without any questions or complaints.
Shaming, criticism and corporal punishment are the strategies used to ensure compliance and obedience to rules.
Whilst this approach to parenting provides a structure and discipline that can groom responsible and diligent adults, the lack of emotional support and understanding can be a huge disadvantage for many.
Children have no choices, and there is no room for negotiations.
Children who are raised this way can grow up with the mentality that their feelings and opinions do not matter and, therefore, struggle to recognise their worth in life.
Some can even lose their sense of self to the extent that they struggle with decision-making and problem-solving. This is because they were not allowed the opportunity to explore or act independently in harmless situations.
They can end up with low levels of creativity, poor social skills, fear of failure and behavioural problems.
Most children build a lot of resentment and end up rebelling against the very values that were being instilled in them. They do this to celebrate their newfound freedom from the hold and control their parents had on them.
There can be power struggles that also make the parents harsher and more resolute in their controlling ways.
Authoritarian
Strict and rigid authoritarian parents are often unable to appreciate the place of warmth, understanding and empathy in the home.
The emotional neglect and overbearing control can bring a silent rift between parents and children because of the tendency of the children to feel abused later.
Some children forgive their parents later in adulthood and tend to appreciate and value the discipline they received.
Others determine to revenge by totally neglecting their offending parent in later life. While this is not a prudent action, it is worth noting that life is in cycles.
As the saying goes, “To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.”
The writer is a Child Development Expert/ Fellow at Zero-to-three Academy, USA.
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