Are you lonely?
Many go into relationships with selfish motives. A woman wants a man who is popular and ‘loaded’ to meet her physical needs, while a man wants a beautiful woman who provides excitement in bed.
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Soon, some find that even though they get what they bargained for, their emotional needs are not met because crucial ingredients for a fulfilling relationship like companionship, effective communication and unconditional love are missing.
Some become lonely, a painful inner emptiness, which may last for a short time or persist throughout the relationship.
For example, it is common to find a man all over his girlfriend. He makes time for her and takes her out very often. However, soon after marriage the man shifts his attention to work and neglects his wife.
He never takes his wife out but he is always out. He simply does not care how his wife feels.
When the woman complains, the response is short; ‘I have married you and I provide you with good accommodation, money, car and all electrical appliances. What else do you need?’
The neglect continues and the woman becomes lonely in the mist of plenty.
On the other hand, you can be lonely even when you are with your lover because your lover creates conditions which force you to be alone, unable to express yourself fully or meet your emotional needs.
Causes of loneliness
First, is social, which includes the busy lifestyle of lovers who never make time for their loved ones. Some husbands are never home and think good homes, furniture and money are good substitutes for their presence.
Second is developmental, which includes unmet needs. For example, a woman’s topmost needs are companionship and affection. She needs attachment to give and receive love because she defines her self-esteem by the quality of her relationship. No amount of money or luxury can make up for this important need of a woman.
There are also the psychological factors which include low self-esteem, inability to communicate effectively, lack of control and instability of relationship.
Effect of loneliness
Loneliness may be expressed, experienced or handled differently. Generally, you have a feeling of isolation from your lover and have difficulty reaching out to him or her.
This may give you a feeling of worthlessness in your relationship because you are unable to relate to your lover as much as you may like to. Some withdraw and fear the relationship may not work; others get into depression.
Some women eat a lot to kill their emotional pain and some get into substance abuse like alcoholism and hope to forget their sorrow. Some lovers, both men and women, get into infidelity.
Interestingly, most of these victims go for lovers who are lower in every way than their spouses. The wife of a big politician may go in for her driver or house help who gives her attention. This builds her self-esteem and makes her feel wanted and loved.
Some lovers express their frustration through violence. They fight with their loved ones, colleagues and friends, just to get attention.
Those who hide their loneliness for a long time may predispose themselves to many physical problems like high blood pressure and heart disease. Loneliness could be a silent killer.
Are you lonely?
Some think admitting their loneliness may make others think they are ‘chewing on’, social misfits or unattractive. However, if you are lonely, admit it and acknowledge it is painful before you can get over it.
You may want to get into a relationship if you are single. Companionship the state of being with a good lover is the greatest antidote to loneliness because it improves your self-esteem and gives you security and peace of mind.
If you are in a relationship or married, develop a positive mental attitude about yourself and lover. Happiness is a state of mind. Nobody or anything can make you happy. Only you can.
You must therefore, never see your lover as your problem and your solution. Avoid self-pity, negative thinking and ruminations of the challenges you face.
See the bright side of your relationship and do what you enjoy doing with passion. Make a life for yourself and live fully. Love will not exist without loneliness to inspire it.
Email [email protected]. The writer Is the director of Eudoo Counselling Centre. He is also the author of Your Guide to Marriage, Love Unlimited and The journey of Love.
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