AKANS say ‘odo ye anwowade’, to wit, love is strange. It comes when you are not looking for it. Most of the time, love comes when you go about your normal routine of life, working, relaxing, visiting or worshiping in church that you find someone you love. The problem is when love comes when you are already in a relationship.
Consider a young graduate who has been in a relationship for about two years and thinks everything is right about his lover and the future looks good. Then she goes into a new job to find a man who is extremely attractive, patient and always ready to help her.
She gets into a relationship with him and thinks she has fallen in love at first sight but in reality, she is caught in a love triangle, sustained sexual or emotional attachment involving three or more people
Today, there are many lovers who are caught in a love triangle. It is known that many young girls have more than one boyfriend- one to pay rent, another to care for her personal needs and perhaps another to take care of her emotional needs. Many men also get into multiple relationships because they find it exciting to hunt and conquer.
For many men, sex with many women breaks their routine and builds their self–ego. Today, the focus is on ‘ateaa’ or slim lady and tomorrow it may be obolo or plump lady. To such men, variety is the spice of life. Some also get into love triangle because of unmet emotional needs, distrust, revenge and jealousy.
Can you love more than one person?
Most relationships start with affectionate love or ‘ I like you feeling’, when you admire some attractive features of a person of the opposite sex. This includes physical appearance, lifestyle, economic status, cultural background and intellect. Others include social status and spiritual commitment.
Each human being is unique and has some attractive features. It is, therefore, possible to have more than one lover because each lover has something different that attracts you.
Each makes you feel happy and loved in different ways. Also, appreciate that love is not a feeling but a verb. If you love someone, it means you feel committed to make sacrifices to make him or her a better person.
There are many people who may need you or you may need to make them better people. This makes it tempting or possible to have more than one lover.
The problem with having many lovers
Modern technologies such as mobile phones and internet have made it easy to have many lovers but multiple relationships break trust, commitment, loyalty, integrity and honesty.
You learn to distrust all people because you know you are cheating and think everyone is capable of doing the same. You carry emotional baggage or rage and jealousy which threaten your future relationships
You have to lie and lie to cover up your lies. You have to keep track of names, days and events to avoid confusion. It may work for some time, especially if your lovers are unaware of one another but one day when you least expect, it you will have a ‘clash’ and your scheming will explode in your face. This is a small world. Your lovers may run into themselves.
You ruin your reputation because no matter how you try to cover things up, some may know and see you as loose person. Many will come to you for a relationship for fun but when it comes to marriage, they will by-pass you because you can’t be trusted. It becomes very difficult to redeem your image.
You must also appreciate that there is nothing magical about a marriage ceremony. You carry yourself into your marriage. If you are not trustworthy enough to keep to one lover, it becomes extremely difficult to do so when you marry. Multiple relationships, therefore, has never been a solution but the problem in future aspirations.
According to Raffi Bilek, a marriage psychologist, love triangle gets messy often with lots of hurtful feelings on all sides. You can resolve issues in ways that work for everyone. In the end, you come out with emotional wounds. Love triangle is the trickiest thing in a relationship because everything beautiful is ruined eventually. Love triangles rarely stay quiet for long.
Caught in a love triangle?
Your best option is to have one lover at a time. Get real with yourself about your situation. Take time out away from your lovers to look objectively at your situation. Examine yourself objectively and be honest about what you want and what you are comfortable with. Also list the qualities of your lovers and draw from your list the one who best matches your needs, mission and vision.
Choosing can be extremely difficult. Sometimes you would wish you had all the qualities you wanted in one person but fact is, no one person can completely meet your needs just as you can’t completely meet the needs of your lover. Akans say if you look into a bottle with both eyes, everything looks blurry. Just learn to cope with the inadequacies of your lover.
Trapped and entangled
Are you caught in a love triangle? Don’t stay because it never ends well. You may feel trapped and entangled in it only because you find it convenient for you now but if don’t get out of it, you will have a high price to pay. Love triangle is an illusion. Always remember that two is company which in a relationship could be compared to a scene in a busy market place. There is nothing better in life than to have only one person to yourself and for yourself. A true relationship has no lies and no secrets. Love triangles are ‘ wrecktangles’ ( Jacob Brande). It is a threesome delayed. ( Makokoma Mokhonoana) Therefore, dare to quit your love triangle and keep one lover at a time.