The stages of marriage
We all go through many stages in life. If marriage is part of life, then all marriages go through stages. Some experts have grouped marriage into three, four, five, seven and even nine stages.
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In fact, an American comedian has grouped marriage into two stages – wedding and funeral! For our convenience, we will discuss three stages of marriage.
Stage one: Romantic stage
This happens prior to marriage and few months or years into the marriage. It is characterised by passion and strong feeling of romance and excitement.
Couples think all they need for their marriage to work is love. Negative feelings are swept apart because partners overlook the weaknesses of each other.
Your lover can do no wrong and you readily forgive each other. You are all over each other. You make time to listen to each other and have fun. You have the myth of living happily ever after.
Stage two: Disillusionment and distraction stage
Romantic love in marriage has a half-life of six months. This means that six months into the marriage, you lose half of whatever romantic love you had. You realise that it takes more than love to make a marriage work.
The weaknesses which you ignored become very visible. You see your different temperaments because, usually, we marry those who have opposite temperaments. Cholerics for example tend to marry phlegmatics.
You also see your differences as male and female. While a woman is emotional, a man suppresses his emotions. A woman seeks intimacy and the man autonomy. A man shifts his attention to work because it boosts his self esteem. The woman focuses on her children because it nurtures her feminine nature.
Balancing marriage and work, finances, parenting, in-laws and friends become a recipe for conflicts. There appears to be no end to your fights.
Stage three: Dissolution, adjustment with resignation or contentment
Today, sadly 60 per cent of couples give up on marriage. Marriages are breaking down for any reason you can think about and for any length of time.
One of my clients’ marriage lasted one day! It is also known that 20 per cent of couples stay in lifeless marriages.
They stay together as total strangers or roommates. They resign themselves to the fact that the marriage will never get better but are constrained by social, financial and religious factors to stay in it.
This means that today, only 20 of couples accept the realities of marriage, work on it and enjoy its amazing benefits.
What you must know
Accept that your marriage will go through stages - happy and difficult moments. It is impossible to have a marriage without stages. Your challenge is how to navigate the stages and get the best out of them.
Enjoy the good times while they last and appreciate that good times do not last forever.
You must also see your problems as normal and predictable. Be ever prepared to tough it out. Unfortunately, most couples give up when they have the last hurdle to jump to paradise.
Never give up on your marriage because at the end of the tunnel there is always light. Your commitment, hard work and forgiving spirit will pay off. Then you will see peace and harmony. You will have a shared history, and even though you admit that marriage is not easy, you will be proud you have weathered the storm as you focus on the positive side of your lover and accept each other as you are. You let things go.
You come to full circle and fall in love again and again with the same person.
There is something like a happy marriage. The secret is to expect the stages in marriage and adjust properly to them.
Some have made it . You too can fly to great heights in your marriage.
Email: [email protected].
The writer is the Director of Eudoo Counselling Centre, West Legon. He is also the author of ‘Your guide to Marriage’ ‘Love Unlimited’ and ‘The journey of love’