John Boakye: The room-mate love affair
Today, unfortunately, most Ghanaians have adopted lifestyles which are completely alien to our tradition. For example, in the past a woman was expected to stay with her parents and remain a virgin.
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She was made to go through puberty rites to announce to the world she was ready for the marriage market. A man comes for her hand in marriage. There is agreement between the families of the man and woman.
After the traditional marriage, the woman is led to the home of the man for the first time to start the journey of marriage.
Today, many attempt to replace marriage with schemes that allow them to enjoy whatever there is in marriage without marrying.
The commonest example is cohabitation, a condition where two lovers who are not married share a household. They are roommates in love.
Cohabitation is fast increasing in Ghana and everywhere. For example, the US census in 2005 showed 5 million partners were living together, an increase of over 1,000 per cent over the 1960 figure.
In fact, today two out of three couples in US admit staying together before marriage. The fear is that cohabitation has the potential to replace marriage.
Why cohabitation?
Today most marriages fail
Global research shows that only one in five marriages works. Human nature seeks the path of least resistance. We attempt to avoid the pain and disappointment in marriage by sitting on the fence and cohabitation provides an easy alternative to marriage.
Currently, many Ghanaians are having sex at early age. There is a case of a 30-year-old man who has impregnated two girls, one in class two and the other in class three.
It was consensual
He gave pocket money for sex. At the same time, most Ghanaians are marrying late. Cohabitation fills in at this age when premarital sex and trial marriage is almost accepted.
In the past, a woman in cohabitation could be sent away empty handed if her man passes on but today our courts are ruling that such a woman is entitled to a portion of the estates of a deceased partner on such concepts as equitable principle.
This is an incentive for cohabitation. This is a motivation for cohabitation.
Many Ghanaian women are poor and completely dependent on their lovers. Staying with a lover will ensure that she gets some shelter and basic needs of life.
The man in turn gets free sex and domestic care. Partners have the chance to study each other in real marriage conditions.
In Ghana, the focus of marriage is children. Many men and women stay together and make sure the woman is pregnant before marrying. Studies show 30 per cent of Ghanaian women are already pregnant before their marriage rites.
Cohabitation gives you the convenience to time and place to get busy and make children.
Cohabitation is not marriage or a commitment to marry. Partners are free to separate without legal or religious constraints. Some argue it is better to cohabitate than to be promiscuous.
The danger
Cohabitation limits you to one who may not be the best partner for you. In cohabitation, most men lose their commitment to marry. Partners have lower level of sexual satisfaction, higher acrimony and lower social status.
Fact is, if you get free milk you don’t worry about buying a cow and rearing it. It is also a fact that if partners go ahead to marry, there is more than 50 per cent probability that the marriage will fail within two years.
What you must know
Cohabitation is a perversion of marriage. Marriage is not like a car you can test-drive to ensure it performs to your taste. This can never be true love.
Ghanaian women must stand strong and take pride in their womanhood. If a man loves you, he must show it by coming forward to perform the duties expected of him.
Never settle for less. Wait and let your man honour you by marrying you before he demands the goodies of a husband.
Cohabitation harms the partners, their children and society.
If you are thinking of cohabitation, the advice is simple; don’t because it fails your marriage before it is born.
Writer's Email: jydboakye02yahoo.com.
The writer is the director of Eudoo Counselling Centre, West Legon. He is also the author of Your Guide to Marriage, Love Unlimited and The journey of Love.
Mobile: 0208181861
