Five reasons you and your guy friend are still "just friends"
Can single men and women ever really be just friends? In fact, some of your very best friends are probably members of the opposite sex. Now, that said, you might still have questions about how your single guys see you—particularly that friend in your circle with whom sparks always fly.
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He always reminds you that you’re awesome, and plays into all your jokes (good and bad). He helped you move apartments last year, and made dinner with all your favorites that week your boss decided to rule with an iron fist. You two have obvious chemistry—you flirt, you chat, you hang out—but the buck stops there.
If it hasn’t gone anywhere just yet, here’s why—from the perspective of single men.
1. He’s still heating up.
If you only see your guy friend sporadically, you might not be on his relationship radar just yet. The attraction he feels is more of a slow-burn instead of fireworks. “Sometimes you don’t feel anything right away, but over time you come to realize it may be more,” says Josh, a 27-year-old public relations specialist. “You don’t know them as well, and there are still things to discover, which makes an exciting spark.” In these casual friendships, you might even find yourself on his back-burner. Especially if he’s not “ready” to pursue a relationship just yet, he might appear seemingly interested, because he’s open to exploring that connection in the future.
2. He’s not sure if you’re into him.
According to Sam, a 28-year-old business executive, men are not naturally good at interpreting your attraction cues. And the more he likes you, the more he may convince himself it’s better to be in your friendzone than out of your life—and all your so-called “hints” are falling on deaf ears. “Girls have a terrible tendency to communicate in ways guys don’t recognize and, yes, we are a bit thick,” he insists. “From my experience, women hate the idea of clearly explaining their interest. It may not be as ‘romantic’ as you’d like, but at the end of the day, if a guy is not sure about your interest, he won't swing.”
3. You are most definitely sending mixed signals.
Be honest with yourself: Are you on the fence some of the time, unsure if you want to move your friend chemistry into a full-blown relationship? If so, he can tell. Jeff, a 45-year-old ad agency owner, instantly hit it off with a female co-worker, who he was interested in pursuing after he moved on to a new job. “What held me back? A collection of mixed signals, like skipping my goodbye happy hour and ghosting me on some texts that dropped hints about grabbing dinner,” he says. Jeff says he still talks to his friend and crush, and they even hung out recently. “The really odd thing is that I don't seem to have many issues asking women out. But with her, I don't know. It's like I've built it up because we've been friends for so long.”
4. He’s not sure if he fits into your life at this point.
If you constantly project how busy you are, that you’re “really into work right now,” or are “just really happy being single,” your guy friend might start to get the wrong message (read: don’t pursue me, please). “Even if common interest seems to be there, this is a big one,” Sam says. “Saying, ‘I'm just being single right now,’ or ‘I’m focusing on work,’ or the like is the worst, because that person is implying that a good relationship would hinder their life! It’s such a bummer to find out that someone who has expressed interest is not available because she needs to ‘focus on herself’ for a bit.”
5. He doesn’t want to disrupt the friend and group dynamic.
Even confident guys freak at the thought of you saying you’re “just not that into him,” says Connor, a 24-year-old music management rep. “Even if you think you're 99 percent sure there's something there, there will always be a little ‘What if I'm wrong?' doubt,” he explains. “I would be super-embarrassed around my friends if I thought there was something going on, and then I tried to act on it. In my mind, the person is obviously going to tell everyone. Related to that, there’s the whole ‘I don't want to make it weird if it doesn't work out’ thing. That fear is so real. If two people that are friends decide to date and it doesn't work out, it always makes things weird.” And Connor has experience in this arena, having formerly dated a female friend. “We broke up and it totally wrecked our whole friend group,” he says. “I think people felt they had to pick sides, and then the two of us didn't want to hang out anymore while the other was around.”
And, of course, there's always the chance that he digs you as a friend and nothing more. There's nothing wrong with that—especially since you might actually feel the same way.
But if you're feeling it with a friend, it's worth thinking about making a move. Boston-based dating coach Neely Steinberg says she’d encourage more women to act on their attraction to friends. “I actually think friends-to-partners is a wonderful way to begin a romantic relationship,” she says. “Yes, there is a chance the friendship might be ruined, but at the end of the day, your partner should be your best friend—so if you already have that dynamic in place, you're off to a good start. The foundation for a relationship has already begun building itself.”
Credit: Glamour.com