Failure and its attendant questions
Failure in any form or size is difficult to deal with. When we fall short of our expectations in any aspect of our lives, we often live with a sense of pain, guilt and regret.
Advertisement
These negative emotions are further reinforced by the accusations, exaggeration and stories people sometimes tell about our failures. Indeed failure is not a pleasant experience.
Failure often leaves us asking ourselves lots of questions. One of the most common questions we ask is what we did to deserve what happened to us.
We think of all the other people who could have had the same experience and wonder why us and not them. Rap artiste Shaggy once sang a song with the chorus, “Why me? Why me, Lord? Why me....?”
The tragedies and disappointments of our lives often leave us wondering whether there is something wrong with us. Where we feel we are at fault or may have contributed in any way, the questions focus on how we could have avoided it.
However, if we feel guilty of an obvious or avoidable mistake, we keep blaming ourselves and asking why we allowed ourselves to be tempted or misled in the first place.
Greatest fear
The opinions and reactions of other people tend to be another important concern when we deal with failure. We once met a young woman one day wailing at the car park of a hospital where she had just lost her six year old daughter to acute anaemia.
She had obviously exercised poor judgment in trying to treat the child at home for a while before rushing her to the hospital. Surprisingly, all her lamentations were not about the loss of what was her only child but the anticipated mockery by her neighbours who she was convinced did not wish her well.
We did our best in trying to console her, but all she kept asking was why God had allowed her to fall into the hands of her enemies.
The last question we often ask represents the greatest fear of people dealing with setbacks. Many people dealing with failure echo their worst fears when they keep asking, “Am I finished? Will I ever rise again?” In such moments, they recount the stories of everyone they know who ran into difficulties and was never able to rise up again.
Unfortunately, that process makes them even more skeptical about the future and their prospects for survival and continued progress.
Hasty Generalisations
As we grapple with numerous questions in a bid to understand our situation, we often rush to certain conclusions about ourselves, people and life in general:
- Success is not for me. When people feel that they have tried everything they know and are still unsuccessful, they conclude that they are not designed to succeed.
They either think that something is wrong with them or that the laws of success are only applicable to a different category of people. There is a danger in giving permanence to your temporary afflictions or challenges. You may be struggling today and looking like nothing good will come out of your numerous efforts. Keep hope alive and keep your head held high. God is faithful and he will bring you to a place of rest and fulfilment.
- Everyone is against me. When people are unable to have their way or keep getting different negative experiences, they easily jump to the conclusion that nobody likes them or that everyone is out against them. When people take such entrenched positions, they easily become paranoid.
This is where people have all manner of delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. At that point, nothing is meaningless. The most simple and seemingly insignificant action could easily be misconstrued as a trap or bait by someone trying to destroy them.
- They are all the same. Another convenient option for many people dealing with their failures is to resort to stereotyping. Your experience of betrayal, disappointment or pain may make you conclude that everyone else is like the one who caused you grief.
That is why you would hear people make sweeping generalisations about everyone from a certain tribe, gender, nationality or religious persuasion.
The risk with taking such entrenched positions is that even if you meet someone with that kind of background who is in a position to help you move to the next level, you are likely to see the person from a prejudiced perspective and rule them out completely.
Wrong Postures
People battling with setbacks or disappointments easily box themselves into the corner with wrong postures that further endanger their chances of future success.
- Mourning & Nostalgia. You may be faced with a recession or a change in the conditions that you have been used to over the years. You may have been relegated to the background by circumstances beyond your control. Your sponsors may have withdrawn their support for your pet project.
A political gamble you took may even have backfired. That is the same way the Israelites felt when they were carried off into slavery in Babylon; their men had been castrated, their daughters raped and their cities burnt down. They found themselves captive in a strange land with no idea when they would go home.
In Psalm 137:1, the Bible says “by the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion.” The three postures (sitting, weeping and remembering) all connote a sense of nostalgia about the past.
There are many who spend all their lives looking beyond their shoulders as they relive the ‘good old days.’ All they think about are the times when things were far better for them. That is a dangerous way to live.
Too much of looking back and, like Lot’s wife in Genesis 19:26, you could be turned into a pillar of salt; great potential but no use. Move on with your life!!!
- Waiting to Exhale. It is a common feature in fairy tales to read about a maiden who has suffered a bad experience daily sitting on a tower and waiting for a knight in shining armour to come and rescue her. Every approaching horseman gives her hope only for disappointment to follow.
This is the same posture of waiting and uncertainty that many people find themselves in. The danger does not lie in the expectation but the fact that people like that often stop doing anything else that could help them make progress.
Like the man by the pool in John Chapter 5, they keep waiting for an angel to stir the water and for someone to help them get in.
No wonder he remained at the same place for thirty-eight long dreary years. If you live your life like that, you could be stuck at one place for a long time. Move on with your life!!!
- Anger & Suspicion. Setbacks and disappointments sometimes leave us angry and suspicious of everyone.
We easily get angry with God for not saving us, others for letting us down and ourselves for dropping our guard. Anger manifests itself in the way we relate to everyone close to us. An angry person lets it out on his or her family and loved ones, including children who may not even know what the matter is. They can also end up suspicious of everyone’s motives.
At that point, they trust no one and see everyone or every harmless action as a threat and a potential cause of pain to them.
- This is one of the most destructive postures to assume. Offence goes beyond anger to bitterness and ill wishes. It often starts with an unspoken wish for justice.
You hope for events and circumstances to prove that you were right or unfairly treated. You are on the lookout for bad news about your offender in order for you to feel a sense of justification.
After a while, when that does not happen, you could easily find yourself moving to the next level where you actively try to assist the process.
Here, you keep telling yourself, ‘One day I will get back at them...’ When this feeling is not restrained or dealt with, it could easily lead you to focus on revenge and ultimately destroy yourself.
