In the wake of the many stories of spousal violence and murder that we continue to hear, both nationally and globally, there is a lesson we cannot afford to ignore: marriages rarely collapse overnight.
Studies show that often, one spouse leaves the marriage mentally and emotionally long before leaving physically.
When emotional disconnection goes unaddressed for a long time, it can lead to deep frustration, resentment, hopelessness and poor judgment.
Hurt people can react in unhealthy and sometimes dangerous ways when pushed to their limits.
This does not excuse harmful behaviour, but it reminds us that unresolved issues in marriage should never be taken lightly.
Marriage is a continuous commitment to loving, understanding, supporting and growing together. It is a journey of mutual improvement, where both partners intentionally work on themselves and the relationship, while seeking to honour God through their union.
It becomes overwhelming when growth and effort are one-sided. No marriage can thrive when only one person is investing emotionally, mentally, spiritually or financially.
Both spouses must consistently bring their best to the table, communicating openly, showing appreciation, extending grace and making deliberate efforts to strengthen the relationship.
As the world celebrates Mental Health Day on October 10, the message is “If you desire to keep your marriage healthy and strong, be intentional about improving yourself and investing in your marriage.
The two must go hand in hand.
A better marriage begins with better individuals who are equally committed to growing together”.
Mental health before marriage
The state of one’s mental health before marriage plays a decisive role in navigating its emotional, physical and psychological demands.
Entering marriage with unresolved trauma, unmanaged stress or untreated conditions places a strain on the marriage from the start.
Healthy marriages require individuals who understand themselves, regulate emotions and communicate effectively.
It is a misconception to believe that marriage or a spouse can resolve these issues. Seek professional help before marriage. Be transparent with your partner about mental health challenges, allowing them to make an informed decision about walking that journey with you.
If you have not sought private help, use premarital counselling as an opportunity to be truthful about struggles across your lifespan. Professional or experienced counsellors can help you confront these issues, develop healthier coping strategies and enter marriage with greater readiness.
In our part of the world, the mention of mental health is often misunderstood and equated with “madness.”
It is important to clarify what mental health truly means.
The World Health Organisation defines mental health as a state of wellbeing in which individuals realise their abilities, cope with normal stresses, work productively and contribute meaningfully to society.
Persistent challenges that interfere with daily functioning, social, occupational or emotional functioning may indicate a mental health concern.
Childhood trauma such as abuse, neglect, abandonment or exposure to adverse environments can leave lasting imprints.
Even if you survived without professional support, these experiences may shape personality, influence choices and affect relationships.
You may not have a severe mental illness, but unresolved experiences can still affect your ability to realise your potential, cope with everyday stresses, work productively, contribute meaningfully to your community and also undermine your overall wellbeing.
Recognising this reality and dealing with it honestly before entering marriage is a vital step toward healing and preparing yourself for a lifelong union such as marriage
What should be the way forward?
The responsibility of sustaining healthy marriages does not rest on couples alone.
Several entities have vital roles to play in supporting would-be couples and spouses through the different phases of marriage.
I ,therefore, call on these groups to reflect deeply on their responsibilities and commit to action.
Counsellors (Church and Secular)
•Integrate mental health awareness into marriage ministry.
•Train leaders to recognise signs of emotional and psychological strain.
•Provide mentorship programmes where older, sound and God-fearing couples guide younger ones.
•Offer premarital mental health screening and education through holistic counselling that combines professional expertise and lived experience.
•Teach conflict resolution, stress management and emotional regulation skills.
•Intervene early when signs of emotional disengagement appear.
Families
•Encourage your sons and daughters entering marriage to be open about issues that could create difficulties later.
•Avoid pressuring couples to “keep appearances” at the expense of well-being.
•Support spouses individually when they seek help, rather than taking sides.
•Model healthy relational behaviours for the next generation.
Colleagues and workplaces
•Recognise that workplace stress often spills into marriages.
•Be attentive to signs of distress in colleagues and offer discreet support.
•Encourage work-life balance to reduce strain on family relationships.
•Promote Employee Assistance Programmes and mental health resources.
Government
•Develop and enforce policies that protect spouses from domestic violence and abuse.
•Invest in nationwide mental health education and awareness campaigns.
•Train and employ psychologists and related professionals in organisations to strengthen wellbeing throughout the lifespan.
•Expand access to affordable counselling and psychological services, especially in underserved areas.
•Support workplace mental health initiatives through legislation and incentives.
Institutions training marriage and family counsellors
I make a passionate call to institutions training counsellors: do not trivialise the importance of these professionals or shortchange the rigorous requirements needed to practice. The lives of individuals, whose survival may depend on an encounter with one of these professionals, must be prioritised.
•Ensure graduates are properly trained and meet all requirements before certification.
•Partner the government and faith-based organisations to provide practical internships and community placements.
•Promote ongoing professional development so counsellors remain equipped to handle emerging challenges in family life.
•Advocate accreditation standards that prioritise mental health competence as central to marriage and family counselling.
Marriage is both a spiritual covenant and a psychological journey.
Emotional disconnection is often the first crack in the foundation, and if ignored, it can widen into destructive outcomes.
To keep marriages healthy and strong, couples must be intentional about improving themselves and investing in their union.
Communities, counsellors, families, colleagues, churches, government, and training institutions must stand as pillars of support, ensuring that mental health is prioritised before and during marriage.
The writer is a counselling psychologist
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