How do your parents rate your lover?
You have fallen in love and everything looks great because you think you have so many things in common and the future looks good.
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The next hurdle is to introduce your lover to your parents because in Ghana, a marriage is not about individual; it is about two families. You therefore need the approval of your parents because it is an important ingredient to a happy relationship. Your parents can make or break your relationship.
Your parents okay your lover
Your marriage has greater chance of success. Your parents are older, more experienced, not blinded by love, infatuation or lust and can, therefore, make wiser decisions. They know you better than anyone else and will sincerely want the best for you.
In fact in the past it was the responsibility of parents to find suitable partners for their children. The process called ‘patriarchy’ mandated the parents to research the backgrounds of potential partners to ensure the person and the family do not have the history of any issue that could threaten the health of a marriage. Such marriages have only 10 per cent failures as compared to 60 per cent where people do not involve their parents
Your parents show no interest
They are telling you in indirect ways that they are not comfortable with your relationship but may not say anything for fear of hurting you. Some parents may take their minds off you. Withdrawal leads to suspicion, tension, anxiety and hurt. If your parents are silent on your lover, find diplomatic ways to open up to them and hear their candid views before your get fully committed to your relationship
Your parents openly oppose your relationship
Appreciate their concern. Do not be insolent or critical even when you think they are wrong. Buy time to examine their concerns. If they have good reasons like your lover being lazy, unfaithful or abusive, then listen to them and leave.
Fact is sometimes they get you out of certain danger. For example, four years ago, a lady introduced her lover to her parents. The mother knew the man and the family very well.
They have a long history of broken marriages because they were abusive, critical and intolerant. They also had strong tribal sentiments and would never allow their children to marry outside their tribe.
This lady wouldn’t listen to the concern of their parents. She arranged for some distant relatives to accept the customary drinks for the traditional marriage. Six months ago she was back with her parents.
Her story is that the parents of her husband come to her matrimonial home to introduce her husband’s new wife. The man did not sack her; she sacked herself!
If your parents, however, have small issues like your lover being from a different tribe or age difference, be humble and share their concerns; if your lover proves to be good, they will give you the green light
How do your parents rate your lover
God commands you to honour your parents and this includes your relationship. It is advisable not to make the choice of your lover a life and death affair. It is also a myth to think that only one person is meant to be your lover and your parents must not come in.
If you refuse to listen to your parents, you will be tensed anytime you are with them or you may see their concern too late and say ‘my parents were right’ and lose your motivation to work on your relationship. Always remember that you can have an ex-lover but not an ex-parent. You need your parents and your lover to have a good relationship. Work hard to strike a good balance.
• Email [email protected]. The writer is the director of Eudoo Counselling Centre. He is also the author of: Your Guide to Marriage; Love Unlimited and the Journey of Love.