Break the cycle: How to date outside your type
Are you stuck in a dating rut? Dating the same type of guy you are most attracted to over and over, but coming up empty handed or broken hearted every time?
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That’s probably because “your type” is actually the wrong guy for you!
Ironically, the kind of guy you feel chemistry with is determined by your Love Map- a set of expectations based on your early experiences with, yup- your parents!
The result? Many of us are attracted to partners who replay our childhood patterns- in a never-ending cycle of trying to get needs met by people who are unwilling or unable to give us what we really deserve.
Usually, that looks like endlessly pursuing an emotionally unavailable man, or the opposite, constantly feeling smothered by guys who want too much.
If that sounds familiar, it’s time to evaluate your Love Map so you can make corrections to lead you to real, lasting love!
Here are five steps to adjusting your love map
• Clarify Your Type: Start by making a list of all of your previous partners, taking particular note of two things— negative qualities/behaviours, and the negative emotions those issues tended to generate in you.
• Identify Your Part: Then be honest with yourself and ask: In what ways do I respond to these issues that keep the pattern alive?
Maybe you tend to 'people please' because you are afraid to say no and get rejected; perhaps you’re clingy and pursue him when he withdraws, or possibly you hop into bed right away causing a premature attachment.
• Create a New Dating Manifesto: Now that you are clear about what is not working, create a declaration about your new expectations- your New Dating Manifesto.
Write a list that includes all of the good traits and behaviours you expect in a loving partner including the opposites of the traits you discovered above.
Then add a section about how you are going to change your behaviour to ensure a new pattern develops.
For example, from now on you’ll always speak up about your real feelings and not just say yes to please him, or when he withdraws, you’ll wait for him to come to you.
Maybe you’ll wait a month to have sex, developing the emotional connection first.
• Date Outside Your Type: Now, purposely go out with some different kinds of men than you usually find attractive.
Be patient and see what happens over the course of three dates when you open yourself up to guys you might not immediately think are your type.
Don’t bail if the chemistry isn’t immediate- see what you can learn about yourself.
Take your time and realise that true, lasting chemistry is built on an emotional connection- not physical looks.
After all, a man who meets your needs is really the hottest man of all!
• Catch the Old Creeping In: As you are out dating, keep an eye out for the old habits that will creep in, both in qualities, behaviours, and emotions of your partners and yourself.
Whenever you feel the old emotions crop up, pause and take a new action- do the opposite of what you did before to ensure you keep resetting your Love Map.
That means when you meet someone you immediately feel totally into, it’s actually a red flag to pause and evaluate before jumping in heart first.
When you consciously and consistently make new decisions about what is really good for you, over time, you’ll begin to attract a new kind of partner that really satisfies you.
And before long, you’ll find yourself honestly attracted to the right kind of man!