Are you bearing your lover a grudge?
A relationship is a very risky business. When two people with different backgrounds and temperaments come together they will have their differences no matter how much they love each other. Therefore, there are conflicts in all relationships.
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Sometimes the one you love most will hurt you most. The fact that you have conflicts does not mean there is something wrong with your relationship. It simply shows you are a human being trying to be of one mind with another.
Conflicts are bound to come. How you handle your conflicts is what determines the health of your relationship. If you handle your conflicts well, your relationship grows healthily. On the other hand, if you do not handle your conflicts well you put your relationship at risk.
Unfortunately many partners, after conflicts, develop a grudge – a strong continued feeling of ill will-- against their lovers.
Imagine a woman who has been married for three years. She goes home unannounced to find her man in bed with her closest friend, the same lady who was her maid of honour.
None of them shows any sign of remorse. She is greatly upset and wants a divorce but she loves the man too much to let him go.
Eventually, she develops negative feelings against him. The marriage is living on paper but dead in spirit.
The danger
If you carry a grudge, it means you are unforgiving and unloving. You have the unrealistic expectation that your lover owes you happiness and will never hurt you.
You also think that you will live happily forever. This leads you to bitterness, wrath and hatred.
Holding on to a grudge disrupts the unity you share in your relationship. You experience hurt and pain. You weaken your lover’s trust and rob yourself of happiness. A long-lasting grudge will drain you physically, emotionally and spiritually.
You use more energy holding the grudge than you lose by letting it go. It is, therefore, in your own interest to let go of any grudge you hold against your lover.
How to get over your grudge
Acknowledge the problem. You have to know the root cause of the problem to solve it and move on.
You must also feel the pain because it will grow if you do not confront it. Clarify your feelings on the issue and develop a positive mental attitude.
Switch places with your lover. Put yourself in his or her shoes to give you a better understanding from his or her point of view.
This helps you to understand the problem better. The better you understand the problem the easier it is to let go.
See your problem as a learning experience; partners hurt each other. If you haven’t done it today, you may do it tomorrow.
Put the focus on yourself and see what you can do better to minimise the challenges you face. Keep loving even when your lover continues to hurt you.
Love costs and you must be willing to pay the price for loving someone.
Create your own healing act. You may perform a simple ritual of writing the offence on a piece of paper and as you tear it imagine the hurt leaving you.
Do not wait for your lover to apologise before you heal yourself.
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Forgive your lover unconditionally. Forgiveness is like freeing yourself from prison. The key is right in your pocket, open the door to freedom and peace of mind, then you can create space for happiness.
What you must know
It is tempting to hold a grudge against your lover who causes you pain. However, if you hold a grudge, you suffer while your offender is not affected in any way.
The longer you hold on to the grudge, the greater the harm you cause yourself. It is, therefore, in your own interest to get rid of any grudge you hold against your lover.
You carry emotional baggage which works against your interest. Never bear a grudge against anyone, especially your lover who is one flesh with you.
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Joseph let go of the grudge he held against his brothers. Jesus also did it against those who crucified Him. You too can let go of any grudge you hold against your lover. Do it today and always.
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