Nature seeks a balance. We are therefore often attracted to people who have qualities opposite to ours because we believe that associating with them will add something to what we already have.
This explains why introverts are often attracted to extroverts. Perhaps the best example, however, is when good women fall for bad men.
Many years ago, during my graduate studies, there was a lady who was the envy of everyone. She was beautiful, intelligent, pleasant and decent. She had style and was also believed to be a virgin.
Naturally, many students, lecturers, politicians, pastors and businessmen tried to win her over, but she turned them all down. Then word got around that she was taken. Everyone wondered who the lucky man was.
Well, he was the last person anyone could have guessed. He was wild, noisy, arrogant, naughty and rebellious. He grew a 'wild' beard and often exposed his chest hair. He almost seemed to have a personality disorder, yet this woman fell head over heels in love with him.
This man had many nice 'things' or beautiful girls. Sometimes, the lady would clash with him, and when he sent her away, she would hang around for hours just to see him.
He made unrealistic demands and controlled everything she did. He also frequently abused her. Yet, when he told her the relationship was over, she would get friends to plead with him on her behalf. The man refused.
Everything, including her academic performance and beauty, began to suffer. Sadly, she went on to date another naughty man, leaving many people wondering why good women fall for bad men.
Painful early memories
Women who grew up in dysfunctional families and experienced abuse or a lack of love, especially from their fathers, may carry emotional pain into adulthood.
They may unconsciously become attracted to men who remind them of the relationships they witnessed growing up, including the kind of men their mothers had relationships with.
In an attempt to heal from their past, they may find themselves repeating familiar patterns and entering relationships that recreate similar painful experiences.
For such women, the more painful the relationship becomes, the more their early emotional wounds may be triggered, making it harder for them to let go.
If you try to help them leave such relationships, they may ignore you because what should feel wrong has become familiar to them.
They may also dismiss good men, considering them boring or unattractive. They feel bored and unsatisfied with men who offer healthy relationships because such relationships do not recreate the familiar emotional environment they have become accustomed to.
Low self-esteem
Some women do not know what to look for in a healthy relationship. They end up choosing bad men and begin to believe that all men are bad and that there are no good men left.
They take responsibility for all the problems in their relationships and blame themselves, believing they are simply not doing enough. They are prepared to sacrifice almost everything to keep the relationship going.
Women with low self-esteem may also develop an unhealthy emotional dependence on relationships. They become obsessed with love and see a relationship as the centre of their lives.
They find it difficult to leave bad men because they believe their relationship defines them and that, without it, they are nobody.
Consequently, they are unwilling to let go of bad men, even when healthier relationships are possible.
The challenge and excitement
Women may be attracted to confident, charismatic, adventurous and risk-taking men because they see these qualities as signs of courage and the ability to protect them.
Bad men are often not afraid to get into trouble and may appear attractive because of the seemingly powerful aura they project. By associating with such a man, some women may feel powerful by association.
Bad men can also make relationships seem exciting. You may never get bored with a bad guy who has a cheeky sense of humour.
He grabs attention and makes you feel desired, loved and sexy. He is also unpredictable because you never know what he is going to do next. Women love surprises!
Sadly, some women believe that if a bad man makes them feel good, they should stay with him and try to change him.
They make unsuccessful attempts to turn the wrong man into the right man.
Seek help
If you recognise that you have a pattern of getting involved with bad men, acknowledge that you may have a problem and seek help.
The fact is that you cannot change another person against their will. A man with unhealthy behaviour patterns will continue to exhibit them unless he takes responsibility and makes a conscious effort to change. He may remain selfish and continue to put his interests ahead of yours.
No matter how good you are, you cannot build a healthy relationship with someone unwilling to treat you well. You must therefore never put your life on hold for a bad man in the hope that you can change him.
If you are in a bad relationship, you probably know it. Be bold enough to leave. Look for someone who shares your dreams and values you.
A bad man can never be a good lover.
E-mail:
