The modern equivalent of the immaculate conception is the toilet seat pregnancy; never having sex, but finding yourself with child after sitting on a spermy loo seat.
It was the stuff of legends when we were young, when sex education consisted of putting a condom on a banana and watching a video of a baby being born.
Not on the fault of teachers, of course, but there just wasn’t enough time to go through every in or out of what goes on inside or outside our bodies.
That meant that ideas like ‘you can get pregnant from a toilet seat’ were considered possible by teenagers.
After all, if you just need sperm to enter your vagina somehow, and your vagina might come into contact with objects like toilet seats, does it really seem that far-fetched?
Even if you know more about anatomy nowadays, there are news stories of people saying they got pregnant by ghosts or people who have physical signs of pregnancy manifest, but there’s no actual pregnancy.
It might not be completely out of the realms of possibility to be pregnant without having sex (not including artificial insemination, obvs), despite not being likely.
So what is the truth? Let Getting Freaky sort this all out. We’re like Brainiac’s John Tickle – except for shagging.
Soz to go back to being your PSHE teacher, but we better start with a quick recap of how pregnancy typically happens.
When two people love each other very much (or just happen to be bored and in the same bar that evening) they may have sex.
When the man ejaculates, he releases semen into the woman’s vagina. The sperm in that semen swim up through the cervix into the fallopian tube, and try to fertilise an egg if there’s one present.
If they do manage to do so, then pregnancy has officially happened.
The journey for those sperm is a pretty treacherous one, and can often take days.
See, sperm can live for up to five days in the warm, wet conditions of a vagina, but not all of the sperm released during ejaculation (hundreds of millions, typically) make it that far.
It’s believed that the reason there is such an arduous trek for sperm to reach the egg (and the reason why millions are release but only one can win) is so that the healthiest ones win, and in turn make healthy babies.
What it does also mean, though, is that making that journey to fertilisation even harder will mean that the chances of conception are lower.
Let’s assume that someone has masturbated on a toilet seat and left it there without cleaning up. Rude, but this is the situation.
You go into the loo, innocently trying to have a wee, and accidentally miss the hole in the seat, instead placing yourself on the seat itself.
In doing so, your vulva comes into contact with the sperm left by the person before you. Think about how unrealistic this situation is for starters.
You can almost completely discount it ever happening to you, but again, it’s not totally impossible. From there, you have to think about the sperm’s long way up.
Sperm will be dead by the time the semen is dry, which takes away any chance of getting pregnant if this contact happens at this point (usually about a few minutes).
If it happens before the semen dries, and comes into contact with your vulva before the 20 minute mark, there is a very, very, slim chance it could still make it inside.
This would also be dependent on how warm and wet your genitals were at the time, the motility of the sperm released, and the viscosity of your cervical mucus, as well as the time between ejaculation and contact.
We work in hypotheticals here at Getting Freaky, and so we have to come to the conclusion that hypothetically it’s possible to become pregnant from sitting on a sperm-covered toilet seat.
The likelihood of this ever happening in real life, however, is miniscule. You’d have to recreate the most unnatural scenario to the letter, and even then it still probably wouldn’t happen.
Essentially, you’d have to be doing it on purpose under extremely specific conditions. There is pretty much no way it could ever happen accidentally.
So, pee freely friends, without fear of conception. Best to try to sit on the loo like a normal person anyway, though. Until next week, freaks.