Our difficulty in parting with the dead is real
It is the month of December and ordinarily, people’s minds and expectations are on the festive occasion that is ahead and hardly on any sad event.
Advertisement
However, the funeral of a classmate last weekend and the death of a colossus, one giant who taught the world what it means to forgive and the dignity in reconciliation, have brought my mind this time of the year to some of the impositions brought on us by death in our part of the world.
The archaic traditions which are still part of us when it comes to parting with the dead and which take precedence over all things regardless of who and the occasion we are in is quite puzzling.
I remember when I was growing up, funerals held in December were rare. Those were the years when Christmas was indeed Christmas with focused joyous celebrations. Unlike these days, funerals are planned right before and right after the merriment of Christmas.
This time last year for example, we buried a friend barely a week before the festivities only to take off our black clothes one week later for her daughter’s wedding.
So, funerals really have inched closer to our daily lives. For us as Africans, traditions in various forms and irrelevant additions which have come to be linked with the separation of relations continue to underscore our views on the dead and the life beyond.
We still hold firmly to our traditional beliefs that the dead embark on another journey once they leave us and should be prepared for safe passage.
I have followed the Cable News Network‘s (CNN) daily account of the towering former South African President Nelson Mandela’s death and preparations for his funeral with much interest.
By the Network’s account, from day one, the traditional elders of Thembu, Mr Mandela’s native clan, gathered around him for a first ceremony, a tradition called “the closing of the eyes.”
Throughout that ceremony, the elders talk to Mr Mandela’s body as well as to his tribal ancestors to explain what is happening at each and every stage to ease the transition from life and beyond. It is after this traditional ceremony that the body is sent to the mortuary for embalmment.
I see many similarities between the life after death beliefs and practices of the Thembu clan of South Africa and the Akans, specifically the Ashantis of Ghana. With the belief that a dead relative is embarking on a journey to his or her ancestors, every effort is made to make the dead somewhat “comfortable” for the journey by burying with extra clothes, sometimes with some accessories, and definitely with some money “to buy water on the way.” I am told, just as the Thembus do, in the Ashanti tradition, the elders will speak to the dead and give him or her messages to take to the ancestors.
Tradition apart, what is currently trending these days is the trooping of relatives and friends to the mortuary to “visit” their dead. Shocking as it may be to anyone learning of this for the first time, it is a reality and it surprises me that the mortuary authorities, private or public, will allow that to happen for health reasons.
For anyone who attended boarding school, visiting time was one that students cherished most and looked forward to. It was the time to see dear ones, catch up with home news and an opportunity to taste some home cooking, fill one’s chop box with provisions and a top-up pocket money. At least, until the next visiting time, there was something to keep one going. But what is this trend of visiting the dead at the mortuary in aid of?
The first time I heard of anything of the sort was a couple of years ago when I visited the family of a departed friend to commiserate with them and find out about the funeral arrangements. While there, some other relatives of the deceased also came to join us. They started talking about visiting days at a particular mortuary where the friend’s body was and that they would be visiting to see how she was doing. I listened to them in awe. Later on, in a conversation with someone, my naivety on the new trend in town was exposed.
Not too long after, I was in the company of another bereaved family and lo and behold, the conversation was that they had gone and visited the dead relative the day before to massage her and that she looked much rested with no stress showing on the face. So what is informing this visiting time at the mortuaries?
The reality is that in addition to archaic traditions, we seem confused and continue to pile up misplaced priorities, making life even more stressful. Parting with a loved one is unnerving and the pain never diminishes. That perhaps is natural. However, when that pain translates into other trivialities, it becomes difficult to understand and perhaps accept as normal.
Awkward as it may seem, a part of us continues to believe that the dead must look pleasing in our eyes to gain acceptance in life yonder. Can we get our priorities right and leave the dead to bury their dead? I am talking reality.