Resentment, silent destroyer of love
According to Readers Digest thesaurus, resentment means anger, outrage, crossness, bad temper, dungeon huff, ill-will, bitterness, wounded pride, and hurtful feelings.
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Your lover is repeatedly hurting you but he or she does not know or want to know. You are unable to get your lover’s attention about what worries you.
You can’t fight fair or bring the problem for a discussion. You sweep your hurtful emotions under the rug. The hurt stays with you and grows bigger.
What causes resentment?
A man is completely different from a woman. Our emotional needs are therefore different. This means what causes hurt in a woman is different from a man.
For example, among women the major causes of resentment are; a man spending too much time at work ( but for a man that gives emotional fulfillment.), spending too much money on flashy cars when he has no house, spending too much time on TV, newspaper or radio just to avoid his woman.
Others include infidelity, control, jealousy and abuse. Some women resent their lovers for not helping to take care of the kids. For some women, bad manners like a man removing his socks and leaving them in the hall or squeezing toothpaste from the middle is enough to cause resentment.
For men, major causes of resentment towards their women are; a woman spending too much time with friends, family and church activities when she should be with her lover.
Men also resent women who nag or complain too much, spend too much money on dressing or become obese or ‘obolo’. Some men resent women who are cold, independent or use sex as a weapon.
The danger
You blame your lover for your feeling of resentment and may spend too much energy trying to change him or her into something better.
You find you can’t change him or her. You get frustrated and find no fulfillment in your relationship. You hold on to your hurt thinking you are punishing your lover but it is you who suffers.
The longer you hold on, the greater your emotional pain. You put yourself at risk and it predisposes you to emotional, mental and spiritual problems.
Today, studies show the majority of diseases people suffer from: high blood pressure, diabetes, sleeping disorders and depression are caused by resentment.
With resentment you simply increase your stress level and decrease your enjoyment in life. The longer you carry resentment, the greater the price you pay.
Dr Dyer, a marriage psychologist, defines resentment as a venom that continues to circulate in your system long after the snakebite has occurred; it is not the bite that kills, it is the venom.
Resentment, destroyer of love
You can never find inner peace as long as you hold on to resentment. You end up hurting yourself, your lover and your relationship.
Resentment is therefore a silent destroyer because it can kill your relationship without neither of you knowing it and neither of you doing anything about it.
Make no room for resentment in your heart. Talk about issues as soon as you see them. Let your lover know what is stressing you up and find ways to address them.
Communicate, listen more and ask questions. Express your feeling but help your lover to improve by kind and loving attitude. Stop focusing on how to change your lover but focus on how you can change yourself to be a better lover. Your lover feels your aura of love and becomes a better lover.
Destroy resentment before it destroys your relationship.
The writer is the Director of Eudoo Counselling Centre, West Legon. He is also the author of ‘Your guide to Marriage’ ‘Love Unlimited’ and ‘The journey of love’