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Five signs your partner is not over their ex

 

Holding on to previous romantic attachments creates feelings of distrust and can be harmful to an otherwise promising relationship. So are you wondering if your honey's heart still rests in the hands of a past love?

There’s no way to know for sure without talking to your partner about your concerns. But how do you know when you need to have that talk? 

Here are five signs that it may be time to bring it up.

• They want too much too soon: When you first start dating someone, the fact that they instantly want to see you all the time and put that ‘couple’ label on your relationship can seem lovely if you like them, obviously. 

But while wanting very much very soon can simply be a sign they know you’re special, it can also be a sign they are desperately trying to replace whatever they had with their ex. 

There is never any real hurry when you are first dating, it should be fun and relaxed and about seeing where things go at their natural pace.

So if you find your new partner pushing for things to be too serious, too early, it might be that they either can’t bear to think about what they’re missing with their ex.

Or they can’t bear not to replace them with a new version (ie: you) as soon as possible. And living in someone’s shadow is never a very nice idea.

• There’s lots of ‘we’: Getting to know someone’s history is a perfectly normal part of dating. And of course, by a certain age, this history is always going to include an ex; an ex who inevitably went on holiday, went to gigs, visited cinema halls, liked so-and-so restaurant among others. 

There is nothing wrong, therefore, with the occasional mention of ‘when we went to the Mall’, or ‘yes, we once went on the Canopy Walkway’. However, if every single place or music or food or TV programme you mention brings back a ‘we’ style anecdote, you know your date probably isn’t quite ready to be an ‘I’ yet, let alone a new ‘we’.

• There’s no ‘we’: While too much mention of an ex can be a klaxon-style alarm bell, no mention at all can be equally as dangerous. Perhaps the very thought of remembering anything about their ex brings them to tears, or perhaps it makes them so unbearably angry they can’t say their name without punching something - either one is still very much the ‘not over them yet’ stage. 

You don’t need to know every detail about a new partner’s past relationships, but it is insightful and healthy to know the basics. If they can’t even share that, then you know something is up.

• They always dictate your plans: Does your new partner always insist on going to a certain bar or a certain restaurant or a particular place for a Sunday stroll? They might just be decisive and thoughtful enough to plan nice dates for you.

 But there is also the chance they are planning where you go because they know where their ex is likely to be and don’t want to bump into them which is perfectly normal behaviour, or they know where their ex is likely to be and do want to bump into them.

 Of course, if you live in a small-ish city or town, sometimes seeing a partner’s ex might be coincidence. But when this ‘accidental’ bumping keeps happening, there could be a little more at work than just chance.

• Their friends are cagey: Often, one of the hardest parts of a break-up, is breaking up with the ex’s family and friends. Over time, it’s likely they have become dear to you, and suddenly having them cut out of your life can be tough - for you, but also for them. 

So if you meet a new partner’s inner circle and they are a little ‘off’, or if they make snide mentions of your partner’s ex, it might be a sign that they haven’t come to terms with the break-up yet. 

It is not necessarily a deal-breaker, because of course your partner doesn’t automatically have the same feelings as their friends. But do perhaps at least take it as an alarm bell that things to do with the ex generally have not moved on as much as you might hope.

 

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