The Mirror Lifestyle Content

Advertisement

Passivity in marriage

In passive marriages, effective communication is missingGlobal studies indicate that 20 per cent of marriages are lifeless. On paper such couples are legally married and stay together but in practice they are total strangers or mere tenants. They just float in their marriages and have uncertain future.

A couple has been married for 10 years but the last four years have been lifeless.

They go to church regularly and are active in all church activities but when they get home, every contact is cut off.

They sleep in separate rooms and cook separately. Interestingly, sometimes, they find themselves together in the kitchen – cooking the same food!

Why passivity?

Most partners abuse courtship. Instead of investing in recourses to develop closer friendship to test, examine, evaluate their inner characteristics, values, beliefs and interests, they get blinded by romantic love and focus on their personal needs.

Romantic love in marriage has a half-life of six months (you lose half of whatever you have in six months). When romantic love fades, partners find they are not meant for each other. Religious, social and financial constraints make it hard for them to leave. They simply hang on in the marriage.

The Akans say marriage is as difficult as roasting plantain. Unfortunately, many people have an unrealistic view of marriage. They expect their lovers to make them happy so that they can live happily for ever.

They find playing roles and harmonising their differences in marriage insurmountable. They find their mission, vision and life expectations gone. They drift apart.

The greatest emotional need of a man is what he achieves at work. After marriage most men appear to focus on their work, thinking they show love as they provide for their women. On the other hand, a woman’s greatest needs are affection and companionship. When she does not find these needs she gives up trying. The man also gives up because he thinks his efforts are not appreciated.

Signs of passivity

Partners plan their lives separately. A husband goes to work early and comes back late when his children are asleep. He takes his supper and goes to bed. A wife spends lonely hours with her kids. Today, it is common to find ‘single parents’ who stay with their husbands because they have to bear every household responsibility.

In passive marriages, effective communication is missing. Partners are unable to express themselves freely. Your spouse brushes you off about simple questions, just to spite you. You see constant anger and irritation. You cannot make mutual decisions. You are physically present but emotionally absent.

Sex, the deepest form of communication, is absent because spouses use it as a weapon against each other. Passivity, therefore, hampers effective communication which is the greatest indicator of the health of a marriage.

What to do

As soon as you suspect your marriage is losing spark, do not wait for your partner; take action. Appreciate that in most cases when a marriage goes passive it takes one committed partner to bring it back to life, because your partner merely responds to what you do. Be everything to your spouse. Be self-sacrificing for the sake of your marriage.

Find a good time to talk about your challenges. Apologise if you are wrong. Sometimes it is healthy to apologise, even when you are not at fault — just for the sake of your marriage.

Resolve to harmonise your roles very well. Be there for each other. Give gifts often, especially for no reasons, because giving is a sign of love and goodwill.

Show appreciation for everything your spouse does because it makes him or her feel loved and cherished. Above all, always see your marriage as good and, therefore, worth restoring.

Passivity is a silent killer, because it undermines the true purpose of marriage — companionship and support. It, therefore, prevents you from seeing the beauty of love in marriage.

Kill passivity in your marriage before it kills your marriage.

By John Boakye / The Mirror / Ghana

E-mail: [email protected].

The writer is the Director of Eudoo Counselling Centre, West Legon. He is also the author of ‘Your Guide to Marriage’ and ‘Love Unlimited’

Connect With Us : 0242202447 | 0551484843 | 0266361755 | 059 199 7513 |