Do you apologise?
Conflicts are part of life and, therefore, part of all relationships and as you are uniquely different from your lover with your different values, needs and aspirations it is impossible to be in a relationship without conflicts.
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The fact that you have conflicts does not mean there is something wrong with your relationship. It simply means you are normal, alive and in a relationship.
If you think you never have conflicts, chances are your relationship is dead and you are unaware of it.
If conflicts are part of all relationships, then they are neutral agents - neither good nor bad. It is how you respond to your conflicts that determines the health of your relationship.
Withdrawal, revenge, force and suppression will harm your relationship. The good news is that most of the time all you need to restore your relationship is a sincere apology.
The challenge of apologising
For many lovers, apologising is one of the hardest things to do. Some see it as a sign of weakness. Some fear their apology will be ignored and some are tired of being the only person in the relationship who apologises.
There are also those who find it hard to apologise because they fear their spouses will expect them to apologise anytime they are wrong. Many lovers therefore see apology as disgusting, cowardly and below the dignity of man.
Consider a housewife who got ‘info’ that her husband was ‘chilling’ with a lady in a hotel. She rushed there, grabbed the glass of beer the strange woman was drinking and splashed it in her face.
It turned out that this strange woman is a cousin of the man who had flown down on holidays to discuss some business proposals with the man. When the wife refused to apologise, the man dissolved the marriage.
There is also the case of a man who claimed his 20-year-old daughter was not his biological child because she did not resemble him and was also not as clever as his four other daughters. He paid $3,000 to do a DNA test in South Africa.
Test results showed 99.999 per cent chance he is the biological son but he refused to apologise. The woman was greatly hurt but stayed in the marriage because she had nowhere to go. Today the marriage is now a living dead one.
Fact is, in all situations, a simple and sincere apology will bring peace in your relationship.
How to apologise
Determine how best to deliver your apology because an apology is useful if it is sincere, specific and timely. It is best to offer your apology personally because it shows love and respect. Do this as early as possible.
Be calm and give a brief account of the offence. Acknowledge the hurt you have caused your lover. Accept your wrongdoing without excuse or focusing on what your lover did. Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
Express your regret clearly and concisely. Ask for forgiveness for the exact reason why your lover is hurt. Wait for an answer but do not rush.
The most important way to show you are sorry is to ensure you do not repeat the wrong action. You may make it up to your lover with a gift or date.
Do you apologise?
An apology is an important healing agent. Lynn Johnson says an apology is a superglue of life; it can repair just about anything. You must therefore be humble enough to apologise.
If you realise you have made a mistake, make amends immediately with an apology but your apology must be sincere; if an apology is followed by an excuse or reason, chances are you will make the mistake again.
Appreciate that an apology in itself is great but does not really change anything. Only action does. Your right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.
An apology will prevent trouble, calm anger, provide encouragement and promote healing. You must therefore apologise even when you think you are right.
No matter how right you are, give your lover a face-saving route to apologise. Be accommodating and allow your lover to retreat in dignity.
If your man wants sex after a fight, please ‘allow’ because it is a common means for men to say ‘I am sorry’.
Rendering an apology does not always mean you are wrong and your lover is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
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